Is Your Workplace Triggering your DNA?

Humans are hard-wired for community. Whether introverted or extroverted, this is true. It has been validated by scientists in neuropsychology and neurobiology and the evidence is clear and firm. 

This hard-wiring harkens back to the dawn of civilization, when being ostracized from a group meant losing access to food and water, protection from wild beasts, and the promise of shelter from the harsh elements. This need for community is so hard-wired, in fact, that it affects our physical bodies. Without a sense of social safety, of community, we are at a higher risk of diseases, both mental and physical. A quick google will give you a list of studies and papers, but here’s the take from the NIH on Social Safety Theory, one of the ideas related to this larger principle.

It is also well-supported that we can train our brains to better manage our emotional responses. Studies on neuroplasticity, the ability for humans to create new neural pathways and change those that previously existed, supports the reality that we can indeed learn new tricks. Emotional regulation has long been established as a critical factor in both professional and personal life success. 

So, what happens when we do not have a sense of social safety? Is it simply a matter of further regulating your emotional responses around these new threats. In my view, no. I don’t think we are expected to unwire eons of genetic coding just because our bosses or teammates are assholes. More on this later, but for now, let’s explore signs that you are not in a socially safe or psychologically safe work environment, and some things you can do to cope.

A few signs your workplace is triggering your DNA

1. Your boss undermines you

Oof. Anyone who has experienced this knows the confidence-crushing effect of this behavior. Some examples to illuminate what this looks like: 

• You have responsibility for clients looking to buy, let’s say, eggs. You are an egg specialist. But lately as egg-seeking clients reach out, your boss directs them to your peer, who is responsible for selling watermelon.  Well, that’s confusing. You’ve talked to your peer about it, but they are smugly happy taking on these egg clients. Your boss doesn’t indicate any urge to right this ship and actually seems to be supporting this. You are concerned because egg-selling is how you make money.

• Your boss takes credit for your work. Blatantly. No, “thanks to Suzy for her help,” no mention of you at all. This happens all the time.

• Your boss goes around you to your team, giving them direction that’s different from what you already told them to do. The boss doesn’t discuss this with you prior, or explain it to you after. This happens repeatedly.

2)       Your boss belittles you

I once had a boss tell me that a trained monkey could do my job. As I was providing strategic HR support to about 2,000 clients across 3 continents at one of the world’s most powerful companies, I don’t think this was true.  Wild, huh? It’s not wild though, this happens all the time and it gets much worse. If your boss berates you, calls you names, curses at you, yells…this is not ok. It’s not ok whether it’s done privately in 1:1 settings (which can make you question your sanity later…did they really say that?) or publicly in a group. Regardless, the apologies, if they ever come, are always 1:1, brief, and vague or riddled with excuses.

3)       The leadership team all hate each other

This one is oh-so-telling. This sort of dynamic creates a toxic level of mistrust, underhanded dealings, and backstabbings that leave everyone posturing, scheming, and scrambling to survive. If you hear senior leaders routinely disparage other senior leaders, the workplace is going to get toxic, if it’s not already. 

4)       You have accountability without authority.

This one is so common, especially in middle management roles. You are accountable for the outcome of the thing, but you aren’t allowed to make decisions about the thing. This is like a diner screaming at the bartender when their meal is messed up, when in reality the chef cooked it. It creates a burning frustration that eventually leads to fear and then maybe panic. This happens when leaders are too insecure to give up control but too busy or under skilled to take on the work themselves. The impact of this becomes even larger if the leadership team all hate each other. 

There are many other signs you are in a toxic workplace.  Let’s move on to things to do.

1)       Change your circumstances

This is obvious. If you can get out, get out. Find a new role, a new company. When you’re searching, focus on finding an awesome boss. Prioritize this over an awesome company. Even applying for jobs is a small rebellion that can help you regain a sense of some control.

2)       Remember that you are making up the meanings

When we have emotional reactions to things, it’s often not because of the thing itself but because of what we think it means. When our boss calls us an idiot, we think maybe we are an idiot and we feel embarrassment and shame. When our boss reroutes our clients, we think he doesn’t trust us and doesn’t want us to succeed. And sure, these things could be true. But the important thing to remember is that you are making this up. These are not facts. It may be your intuitive read on the situation, and it may be well supported with lots of evidence but it is still the makings of your mind. So, while you are busy making things up, make up things that upset you less.  Instead of “my boss thinks I’m an idiot” maybe think “wow, they must be under so much pressure and feeling so insecure to lash out in such a childish way.” Instead of “my boss doesn’t trust me” think “my boss doesn’t trust himself to lead a team and is playing favorites instead because it’s easier. How pitiful.”  It doesn’t matter that this is all made up. You were making it all up anyway.  The objective here is to regulate your responses. Reframing is a powerful way to stem the surges of emotions. As an aside, coaches are very skilled in helping clients reframe things, for all sorts of reasons.

3)       Create a physical anchor for yourself. 

A physical anchor can be a picture you tape to your monitor, a piece of jewelry you wear and can touch, a photo of your family, really anything. Its purpose is to help you connect with the parts of your life that are stable and to wrangle those whirling thoughts. It helps if it connects to the reframing you did (see suggestion 2 above). Some examples: 

A silly depiction of your tyrannical boss pitching a fit. I recently made a cartoon picture of a young prince throwing a tantrum and sent it to a client. It was a good reminder for her that what is going on inside her boss when he berates her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. 

A picture of a place you love, a place where you feel calm and can be yourself.

A bracelet with an affirming message.

4)       Find healthy outlets

You have to get it out, purge it out of your being and into the universe. There are many ways to do this, and each of us likely needs a collection of avenues. Some common outlets include

Exercise

A good playlist

A chat with a trusted friend or advisor

Meditation

A spouse

A coach

A therapist

A journal

Playing an instrument

You get the idea. But remember that an outlet is not the same as a mechanism of self-care, though certainly having healthy outlets is a part of a self-care regimen. The purpose of an outlet is to process and push the experience and surrounding emotion out of your system. A facial at your favorite spa is less likely to accomplish this but hey, no judgment here. It is important to rotate your human outlets so you don’t wear them out.

Regulating your emotions will always be important but it’s also important to realize when the game is rigged against you. Stay sane, stay healthy. Keep moving.