Take It, Trash It, Notice It: A Real-World Guide to Handling Feedback

Throughout my career, likely as in your own, I have been on the receiving end of a lot of feedback. Early in my career, I took all of it on, creating labels and forming beliefs about myself based on what I was hearing, and especially based on themes that were emerging. 

As I got wiser (read: older), I began to apply discernment to this feedback, choosing to keep what is useful to me and what is objectively true, and discarding that which is not.

By nature, feedback is created through the lens of the person giving it. That doesn’t make it bad but it does mean we should pause and ask “is this something I want to take on?”

Let’s walk through it with a real example.

Example 1: "You have an answer for everything. You need to need more help."

This was real feedback I received after presenting a proposal to an executive team, which was something I’d been asked to do. Afterward, an “elevated peer” (not my boss or peer, but something in between) called to share what they’d overheard: “She has an answer for everything. She should need to ask us for help.”

Let’s discern:

• Who gave the feedback? A well-meaning peer relaying commentary from executives.

• What triggered it? I did what was asked: presented a well-reasoned, comprehensive plan.

• Why was it shared? I genuinely believe the person wanted me to succeed.

So, do I take it or trash it? I put this one in the "Notice It" bucket.

Here’s why: I do not think that it is smart for a professional to go into a room where they’ve been asked to present a solution and have a bunch of questions about how to do that.  This seems obvious to me.  You’ve been asked for a solution, bring one.  Make sure you have thought through it fully.  Be ready to answer questions you could reasonably expect the team to ask.  This is standard professional practice…isn’t it?  This is where the “observe” came in for me. 

I’m a strong, confident woman presenting a clear plan to a group of executive men, and it made me wonder if part of the reaction had more to do with how I showed up than what I brought. If the only critique about my work is that I didn’t need help, what message is there for me? Is there an unspoken expectation that I should show more vulnerability? That I should need their input more? 

That’s not something I’ll change about myself, but it is something I’ll observe.

Example 2: "You’re intimidating."

This one is a theme. I hear it a lot.  I was even told recently that my website makes me look intimidating.  Isn’t that fascinating!  With any theme, I encourage you to discern.  What about this is true?  Something must be true, because it keeps coming up. 

I asked myself, "What’s true about this? What’s projection? And what’s useful?"

After gathering input and doing some honest reflection, I landed here: I can have an intimidating effect on some people in some situations.

Discarding this will not serve me. It is something that I don’t like, but that I must be conscious of so I can control how I come across to people who I want to engage, but may scare away with my typical high-energy, high-confidence self-presentation.  This one goes in my “Take it” bucket.

If I want to engage others more effectively, I may need to soften the edges at times.

That’s not fake. That’s strategic.

The Feedback Filter: Three Buckets to Use

As you ingest all the feedback the universe around you so generously gives (and drowns you in), this framework may be useful for navigating things through your discern filter to the three buckets you have:

🪣 Take It

🪣 Trash It

🪣 Notice It

Here's how to decide what goes where:

1. Start with WHY.

Why is this person giving you this feedback?

If it’s your boss, sure, giving feedback may technically be their job, but that’s never the whole story. Is it because they want to help you? Is it because they want to knock you down? Is it because something you are doing is making them feel insecure? Is it because they feel better about themselves when they control everyone around them?

If the motive isn’t grounded in support or development, it’s not feedback you need to take seriously. That puts it in either the Trash It or Notice It bucket.

2. Look for evidence.

Have you heard this before? Seen patterns? Can you think of other times it’s come up?

If it’s totally out of left field, be cautious. One data point does not a trend make. You can appreciate the feedback without overreacting to it. If you’ve baked 1,000 perfect cakes and burn one, you don’t overhaul your recipe. You toss the burnt one and keep baking.

But if it’s a recurring theme, there’s something to learn. Maybe it’s a blind spot to work on, a skill to sharpen, or a truth to accept and embrace more fully. Either way, it’s worth your attention.

3. Decide what to do with it.

• If it’s true and useful → Take It.

• If it’s unhelpful or rooted in someone else’s baggage → Trash It.

• If it’s unclear, but worth paying attention to → Notice It. Tuck it in your mental back pocket. Let time and patterns tell you more.  Maybe this feedback tells you more about someone else than about yourself, but that, too, can be useful information.

Final Thought: Feedback is a gift, but sometimes the gift is the discernment it forces.

The most meaningful gift you can give yourself when the universe gifts you feedback is to discern. Don’t let your self-assigned labels come from the trash heap. The next time feedback lands at your feet, ask yourself, “is this for me?  Is this about me?” and “if I take it, what will I do with it?”

If you’re wrestling with a piece of feedback and want help sorting it into a bucket, give me a call. I’d be glad to help you figure out what’s worth keeping and what’s just noise.